Hey baby, you’re cool. You’re hip. And you’ve come a long way. You deserve … a Grande. At least, that’s what Starbucks would have us believe. The liberal little coffee roasters have introduced their “Geisha” blend, and at seven bucks a cup, it is the thing to have in your hand as we hit the gas and drive straight for the fiscal cliff like Thelma and Louise.
Seriously, I can’t imagine why, during an economic downturn of epic proportions, Starbucks would float a new coffee blend that you had to pay for with your firstborn child. My taste buds are just as discriminating as the next customer’s, although Starbucks pointedly avoids using that term. We mustn’t discriminate. That’s bad, bad, bad … and so very old, white, and Republican. No, Starbucks has “loyal reserve customers who are interested in any opportunity to try something as rare and exquisite as the Geisha varietal.” Well lull me into submission; that was so slick I almost reached for my credit card.
But I can’t. Not at seven-dollars per Grande. Nope. Something must be done about this. So let’s put on our thinking caps. (Cue the Jeopardy music.)
A-ha! I have it! We’ll get it written into ObamaCare! Don’t laugh yet. If we can squeeze an HHS Mandate for birth control out of ObamaCare, why can’t we get one for coffee? And now that the elections are over, we might even be able to get Sandra Fluke as our poster girl!
Follow the logic. As a cash-strapped law student, Sandra Fluke already can’t afford Walmart’s nine-dollar-per-month contraception prices. Hence the HHS Mandate. Well, if she can’t afford nine dollars for birth control, then she certainly can’t afford seven dollars for a cup of coffee.
And let’s be frank, as a law student, she needs coffee more than she needs birth control. Copious amounts of java are needed to keep a law student awake all night cramming for those finals. If Fluke can’t get her coffee, she can’t score well on her exams. And would you be able to sleep at night knowing that you deprived her of the ability to do her best in school? I thought not.
So let’s rally the troops and get Sandra to get us some free, overly expensive coffee. She may not be a slut or a prostitute, but in this case, maybe she wouldn’t mind being our Geisha girl.
Today’s guest blogger is Christian Shelby, a volunteer with Concerned Women for America from Virginia.