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Faith Hill in Jane Magazine
Faith Hill in Jane Magazine

She’s bold. She’s brash. She’s unabashedly oversexed. Her name is Jane and as the bad girl of glam magazines, she wants her readers to know she corners the market on free sex.

Jane’s goal isn’t to push the envelope, but rather, to torch it, displaying barely clothed models that leave a miniscule amount to the imagination. Raunchy, she is the female version of Howard Stern in print, with pictures of scantily clad lesbian teens frolicking about for the camera, and bare-breasted models routinely gracing the pages.

Jane makes no apologies for her hedonistic style, offering readers “The gyno fashion exposyou demanded,” regular advice columns by Pamela Anderson and interviews that bully Hollywood stars into revealing their sexual conquests.

Expletives flow from Jane’s pages faster than perfume samples emit lavish scents. Journalistic content ranges from the Jerry-Springer-esque, “My dad was a pimp, and my mom was a prostitute. But what’s really sad is they weren’t part of the PTA!” to the downright offensive and tasteless, “How to get laid like a priest.”

Jane prides herself in shocking readers. Yet for all her tawdry sexual content, there is one topic she simply can’t bring herself to discuss with readers, namely the cost thousands of them pay for free sex sexually transmitted diseases.

Jane’s upcoming February issue features a parody on STDs, “Is That Lump In Your Bed Carrying an Emotionally Transmitted Disease?” But there’s no shock value to this piece. Apparently the truth of STDs, which public health officials call an epidemic, is just too much for Jane. She could do nothing more than poke fun.

According to the Department of Health and Human Services, genital herpes infects 45 60 million Americans. One million new cases occur per year and there is no cure for herpes.

According to Jane, “Herpes is the uncaring a-hole disguised as a sensitive rebel.” And you will get herpes “if you: (1) stay with your high school sweetheart [forever], (2) quit your job in order to date your boss or (3) write flowery letters to really cute felons. You’re at risk of encountering Herpes if you believe in/have cried about soap operas and only socialize in chat rooms.”

According to the American Social Health Association and the Kaiser Family Foundation, Human papilloma virus (HPV) is the fastest spreading STD with 5.5 million cases per year. According to an article published in the Journal of Pathology, HPV accounts for 99.7% of cervical cancer cases and the deaths of nearly 5,000 women each year, more than are killed by AIDS.

According to Jane, Genital Warts/HPV “is the creep whining about how you parked the minivan.” How does one get it? “GW/HPV is in the lives of 95% of the women who are ready to settle for a dumpy, undersexed chaperone with deep pockets, whose glory days and best ideas happened about 14 years ago.”

According to the National Institutes of Health, 70 million Americans, or every fourth person in the country has a viral STD. Based on those statistics, of Jane’s 485,763 paid subscribers, approximately 121,000, at the very minimum, have a non-curable STD – not to mention those that pick up Jane at the newsstand and may be infected.

Let’s face it. There is nothing glamorous about sexually transmitted diseases.

With a target audience of women ages 18-34, Jane never claims to be a bastion of hard-hitting journalism. But neither does the five-year-old magazine promise to be reticent when it comes to sex.

Yet for all her pages of models positioned exploitively, for all her “advice” on tattooing genitalia and starting a porn career, Jane simply can’t deliver when it comes to addressing the price some of her readers have paid for following her advice.

She perpetuates the carefree “have sex today, no strings attached” attitude of feminism. Her readers though, at least 121,000 of them, know that strings are attached.

Jane will continue to peddle her oversexed mantra to women. And sadly, her readers will continue to get non-curable STDs.

Jane would be so wise as to ask her columnist Pamela Anderson about STDs. After all, wasn’t it Ms. Anderson who revealed last March that she suffers from hepatitis C, which has no cure?

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