“Our Baby Pimp Costume is too cute for words. This super fly baby pimp suit is great for babies [sic] first Halloween photos. For a fun family costume idea consider [sic] any of our Pimp outfits for any age” (so says the website for Brands on Sale).
Oh, isn’t that just the cutest idea – dressing a baby as a pimp! We all know pimps are great role models for small children, and the younger you ingrain that in their developing minds the better. To reinforce the image of the pimp, parents and older children can also dress like them. After all, a family that sexually exploits victims together, stays together.
Isn’t that the old adage?
When dressing the family like pimps, teach the kids what a typical day as a pimp would be like. First they must find vulnerable children and women to exploit. Maybe they can start at the child care center or the local elementary school. Then they can cruise the streets looking for runaways and abused women – the easy prey.
Once they have their “stable” together, mom can be daddy’s “bottom b–ch” to keep the “hos” in line. The kids could give her a pretty pimp stick for mother’s day. A pimp stick is typically two wire coat hangers twisted together. But heck, it’s a gift, so go for something with a little more flair.
Daddy will need a name or phrase to be tattooed on each victim so that other pimps on the street know they belong to him. For a fun family activity, have one child choose the name or phrase out of a hat (preferably a pimp hat as seen above) and let another child choose the body part to be tattooed. This is a good school night activity because weekend nights will be spent cruising the track to keep the girls playing the game until they earn their nightly quota.
When the weather is bad and business is down, the whole family can gather around the computer to create ads on Craiglist for selling the victims. If one of the kids is a photographer-in-the-making, have them take still shots to be posted online. This exercise helps him understand how to sell sex, and, as a bonus, how to properly light body parts for maximum exposure. Who knows when this skill will come in handy?
In order to correctly price the sex acts, the whole family should survey family, friends, classmates, and neighbors to see how much they would be willing to pay. As a business lesson, all parents should teach their children to understand market-based economics. Remember kids, create the demand, price it right, and you will have a market for life.
Teaching kids compassion is normally a good thing to do. But, as pimps, that can be dangerous. Force, violence, fear, and coercion are the lessons to be taught. So, when beating a “ho” into submission, the kids should be present. If your stable doesn’t fear you, they might get brave enough to look at another pimp (and if they do, they become his). What kind of example would that be to your kids? After all, they look up to you to set the level of cruelty and coercion they should achieve. If you’re lucky, though, you will set a benchmark, and they will exceed it. Imagine the legacy you could create.
So, as you can see, dressing a baby like a pimp is really just the first step in helping them to become an entrepreneur. They will grow up to provide a service to men who want to own another human being for a short period of time. Those poor men either have wives or girlfriends who don’t understand them, they are too busy for a relationship, or they enjoy acting out what they see in porn with victims who won’t refuse or complain.
It’s up to parents to teach their children that pimps are misunderstood. Sure they are violent and commit criminal acts, but that’s just because our culture is prudish and inhibited. By dressing your baby as a pimp, you can make slavery fashionable again.