Editor’s Note: Have you ever listened to Planned Parenthood’s president, Cecile Richards, and wondered, “What on earth did she mean by that?” The following parody piece seeks to answer that question by defining the terms Miss Richards would use in press statement. Enjoy.
Hello. I’m Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
Planned Parenthood provides a full range of health care services [some healthcare and mostly baby killing] to millions of women [mothers], men [fathers], and young [terrified] people every year, including cancer screenings, birth control, [counseling in all deviant forms of sexual activity], STD testing and treatment [oftentimes the lucrative result of our counseling in all deviant forms of sexual activity], and abortion[killing children]. And we provide much more than health services — we [pressure young girls towards realizing that career should be their utmost goal, even if it takes killing their child] support millions of people as they build their futures and pursue their goals .
Recently, an organization that opposes safe and legal abortion [child murder] used secretly recorded, heavily edited [long, complete] videos to make outrageous claims about programs that help women donate fetal tissue [give us their baby parts so that we can sell them] for medical research.
I want to be really clear: The allegation that Planned Parenthood profits in any way from tissue donation is not true [going to make us look good, so we have to bend the truth a lot]. Our donation [baby parts sale] programs — like any other high-quality [shady] health care providers — follow all laws [break some health and safety regulations and campaigns against more] and [say we follow] ethical guidelines [which are actually based on our own sourceless system of values]. Over our 100-year history [after we were founded by racist eugenicist Margaret Sanger], we have continually engaged leading medical experts [continued our racist roots. We have also succeeded in hi-jacking the cultural, legal, and medical definitions of “pregnancy,” “choice,” “compassion,” and “rights”] to [so that we can] shape our [whole culture’s] practices, policies, and high [relativistic] standards [in a way that supports our work] — and [we] always will [continue shaping culture to accept killing children, because we believe it’s the right thing to do].
Our top priority is the compassionate care [care we offer based on giving poor, scared women whatever we tell them they should want, which is the baby killing and parts-selling services] that we provide [so that we can profit]. In the video [against us], one of our staff members speaks in a way that does not reflect that [façade of] compassion that we wish to maintain [but instead talks in a way that reveals we are actually killing babies, know it, and don’t care]. This is unacceptable [in that it reveals too much of the truth], and I personally [but not her, because she’s hiding] apologize for the staff member’s tone and statements [but I haven’t fired her].
As always, if there is any aspect of our work [agenda] that can be strengthened, we want to know about it, and we take swift action to address it [as long as it falls within our views on women’s health — meaning taxpayer funded birth control and baby slaughter].
Planned Parenthood stands behind our work to help women [mothers] and families [her boyfriend and parents — as long as they are telling her to do what we want] so a woman will donate tissue [give us her baby’s parts so we can sell them] for medical research when they wish to [we want to make a profit]. It is always [sometimes] their decision [that is, the times when we actually tell them what we are doing, or the times we have talked them into doing it].
I thank those women [mothers] and [manipulative or uninvolved] families who have chosen [been told to] tissue donation [give us their babies parts] at some [very vulnerable, confusing] point in their lives. Your commitment to [killing your child and letting us sell the parts for the sake of what may or may not turn out to be] lifesaving research, developing treatments for diseases like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s, is important [to our bottom line] and compassionate [to all but your baby], and it [intentionally killing your child to maybe save others] should be respected — not attacked [ethically questioned].
We know the real agenda of organizations behind videos like this, and they have never [always] been concerned with protecting the health and safety of women [but they think that means protecting facility safety regulations and even unborn children!]. Their mission is to ban [child murder] completely and cut women off from care at Planned Parenthood and other health centers [baby killing mills, while redirecting our half-a-billion in federal funding to places that do exactly what we do but without abortion and corruption] We want you to know that we will never let that happen. [We are really afraid they are going to successfully stop us from killing babies and selling baby parts.]